(the parenthetical life)

Category: shorts

  • The Treasure and the Tragedy

    The Treasure and the Tragedy

    Freedom of speech is and should be among our most treasured rights. So it is tragic when this freedom clothes words of hatred and vulgarity. Freedom of speech must remain inviolate, but those who use it to spew forth the foul, the wicked, and the profane should be ashamed of their misuse of this right.

  • Vacuum

    Vacuum

    I’m willing to admit that the vacuums in the commercials do really well against precisely sized dirt and dust. But I have toddlers. I want to see those suckers (haha!) go up against a slice of strawberry that got smashed into the floor and then concealed by the ottoman for four days.

  • Homemade

    Homemade

    Director of advertising: Our research shows that customers like products that are “homemade.” General counsel: If we put in some cots, it will technically be true. Factory foreman: Wait, what?

  • Rough Draft

    Rough Draft

    What I say: This is a very rough draft. What I mean: This is the best I could come up with, but I don’t want you to know that.

  • Singed
    ,

    Singed

    It is easy to forgive terrible people when I realize I am one of them. It is easy to show grace when I consider how much grace God has shown me. It is easy to let go of my anger when I realize how close I have come to hellfire.

  • “I’m Not Going to Lie”

    When someone says “I’m not going to lie,” it means that they are about to tell a truth that nobody asked to hear.

  • Worth
    ,

    Worth

    God has declared that I am worth the blood of His only Son. No compliment you give me can add to that. And no insult you hurl at me can take away from it.

  • Missed Calling

    Missed Calling

    “I think you missed your calling” is a weird compliment. It’s like, “Not to question your decision making, but can you imagine what your life would be like if you did something you were actually good at?”

  • Nickname

    Nickname

    Me: Is there a name for the personal crisis you have when you realize the reason you don’t have a nickname is that you do not have enough personality to earn a nickname? Like a lack-of-identity crisis? My therapist: I’m not calling you “Midnight Rider.”

  • Mosquito

    Mosquito

    My wife says that she draws strength from me. This is sweet and all, but I get this image in my mind of a frustrated mosquito sucking at a piece of beef jerky.

  • Trail Mix

    Trail Mix

    “A day handful of trail mix without laughter M&Ms is a day handful of trail mix wasted.” -Charlie Chaplin, sort of

  • Immunity

    Immunity

    Me, after saving the girl by winning a hot dog eating contest to the death: I spent the last few years building up an immunity to calories.

  • The Scream and the Whisper
    ,

    The Scream and the Whisper

    I screamed at the sky, “I can’t see past my mistakes!” And God whispered back, “I can.”

  • Diaper: A Haiku

    Diaper: A Haiku

    My son in my arms,A green ooze, a squishy weight.Why do I feel damp?

  • Phoenix
    ,

    Phoenix

    I was ashes and dust,Lifeless,Worthless,And empty. But Holy Fire has ignited these ashes.

  • Spinning Tree

    Spinning Tree

    Four-year-old: Our Christmas tree spins! Me: No, it doesn’t. Four-year-old (grabbing tree): Yes, it does! [Sounds of tree crashing and incoherent screaming]

  • Hyperlink

    Hyperlink

    If you want to drive someone crazy, randomly change your font color to blue.

  • The Call
    ,

    The Call

    O come all ye treacherous, jaded, and doubtful; Ye broken, empty, and joyless; Ye defeated, down-trodden, and forgotten. O come ye, o come ye to Bethlehem.

  • Candy Cane
    ,

    Candy Cane

    I think that a candy cane is, by far, the most festive way you can shank someone.

  • CT Scan

    CT Scan

    My coworker: The vet had to give my tomcat a CT scan.Me: I’m sorry, what kind of scan?My coworker: [sighs] . . . A cat scan.