Category: humor
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Airs-peed
Nobody said parenting was easy. Late nights, early mornings, heavy car seats, expensive medical bills, uncomfortable conversations . . . yeah, this could go on for a while. And as if providing for their basic needs wasn’t enough, you actually have to keep the little home-invaders entertained! This can be as simple as playing peek-a-boo…
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Vanilla and Proud
My wife and I were recently having a conversation about ice cream. Because that is the kind of thing you do when you are married. And, if it goes poorly, one of you sleeps on the couch. Of course it’s worth it! How dare you question the importance of this subject matter?! Thankfully, my wife…
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We’re Going to Need a Bigger Snorkel
Maui has many tourist attractions like the Road to Hana, Molokini Crater, and an infinite supply of Piña Coladas. For snorkelers, Black Rock is a beautiful destination. Located on Kaanapali Beach, Black Rock is a cliff surrounded by golden sand and colorful fish. It juts out into the Pacific like the prow of a ship,…
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Shot Calling
I think we tend to see our lives as boring, hum-drum prairies interspersed with a series of mountainous “big moments.” These “big moments” consist of whatever trial or triumph we happen to be facing at the time, often severely inflated and over-dramatized in our minds. That is just how we naturally think. We focus on…
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The Last Two Percent
People are like sand traps. Seriously. Look, just stick with me and we’ll get there. During my college summers, I worked on the maintenance crew at a private golf course. While I am grateful to the people who helped me get that job, I kind of hated it. I started at 5:30 in the morning,…
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Eau de Rodent
I am a firm believer in finding humor in weird places. I think street signs can be funny. I think that commercials for prescription medications are hilarious (“if you don’t take this, you could die; but we are also obligated to say that if you take this, it could kill you”). And a while ago,…
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Simply Put, You’re Dying
I love simplicity. Oh, sure, my writing may leave some doubt about that. And then there is that whole thing where I went to law school and learned that the answer to every question is “it depends.” So my “simplicity” credentials leave something to be desired. But seriously, I enjoy simplicity. Conversely, I get pretty…
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Risk Management
When I was young, I once played Risk with my dad. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, the object is for you to defeat your friends and take over the world. Successfully taking over continents yields rewards in the form of additional troops to continue your campaign. Young and stupid, I immediately set…
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Any Volunteers?
There are those who were born to stand out from the crowd. These people possess immense leadership qualities and are at their very best when the spotlight is glaring down on them like a magnifying glass on an ant. I admire these people; sometimes, I confess, I even envy them. But I am not one…
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Real Man in a Minivan
Have you ever heard someone begin a sentence with the term “real men” followed by something they think “real men” do? I know I’ve heard it many times. I’m pretty sure I’ve said it a few times. These days, I’m not a big fan of such statements. To me, they usually say more about the…
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Sock-ological Issues
Socks are too stressful. There, I said it. And it is about time someone did. Think I’ve finally lost what little sense I had? Maybe. But I stand by my assertion: socks are too stressful. Let me prove it to you . . . As far as I can tell, socks have a very limited…
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Socratic Battleship
Your fleet steams through a deceptively peaceful ocean. Despite the crisp sea breeze and clear blue sky, every sailor is on edge. Everyone knows the enemy could be just over the horizon. As the admiral of the fleet, you are unwavering in your hunt for the opponent. But you also know that your opponent is…
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Mark Hamill
Based on what I’ve seen online, you can summon Mark Hamill by simply setting him up for a great punchline. I could use a ninth reader, so let’s test it: [Ahem] Did “The Force Awakens” leave anyone else speechless?
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Thanksgiving on a Limb
While I love Thanksgiving, my family never made a big deal about it. We did not do those big family Thanksgivings where Aunt Erma flew in from Tacoma and Cousin Norman used his three-day pass from the Army just to come back and carve the turkey. While all of that is great, it just wasn’t…
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Wannabe Gearhead
There are lots of different types of gearheads. Some enjoy old British roadsters that break down every three miles but have all original parts. Some love off-roaders with upgraded suspension and tires that grip like geckos in velcro suits. Some prefer muscle cars whose engines can wake the dead and whose hoods are long enough…
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Confused by Caffeine
When I was about 12, I spent a day working a concession stand at my school’s homecoming. At the end of my shift, I decided to get myself a cup of the coffee that had been so popular throughout the day. But when I was asked what I wanted, I realized I had no idea.…
(the parenthetical life) 